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Chapter 2

:victory :clap

Worsters spammed positive emoticons in the Play-by-Play thread of "The Chair" episode. Two plants, Silver and "fatass" Warbensheik, had fallen by the wayside, and a few charming picks made it to the top 24. Of course, this had all been filmed long before airing.

"Ah, Henry, for the record, I disagree with this decision." Simon said on screen to the gleeful goateed man. Thankfully, Simon had been overruled, and now Henry joyously skipped (well, sort of stumbled) to the elevator.

This was immediately followed with a lengthy scene of red-head Ester. Ryan ushered the nose-ringed man into the elevator, commenting to the camera "Will he be the next American Idol?" The camera changed to the hidden view inside the elevator, showing Ester breathing deeply and adjusting the collar on his red jacket, clearly nervous. The door opened, and the camera followed him to the chair, focusing on his face.

 "Get on with it. :simon"

Paula spoke the good news. "You made it," she said with a smile. Cue huggy, crying, grateful scene with more of Ester's face, then his glee as he rode down the elevator, and finally careening out the door in excitement.

"Imadeitohmygodididitwoo--" Everyone's shouts and congratulations blended into a cacophony. The episode wold then continue with a montage of four acceptees walking back to the elevator, and then a bunch of rejections.

"You can't even see their faces. :umpimped F O D D E R"

True--the acceptee view was from the back. Ditsy Bettine, two IBWs, and greasy Ernest didn't even get their names shown. After the set of failures to be shown, the name "Toya Rany" appeared at the bottom of the screen, identifying the dark-haired optimist receiving a small tribute of camera time for his entry into Top 24 status. He bolted upright and did a variant of "the robot" dance, then flung himself at Kara to hug her. Cut to another reject. After a long, tedious, and unsuspenseful revelation of the top 24 to be thrust on America, which the worsters had already discovered from the spoiler thread, the brief dance section marking the end of the episode wrapped up.

The photochop thread immediately exploded in a swarm of pixels.

"Unravel! :clap"

"JanetPlant = love."

":lbf :lbf Love the chops, guys! :clap"

Chops flew everywhere: IBWs superimposed on mannequins, "raciss"-happy Achibe eating KFC, Ester as baby Jesus in the hands of Paula, Adolf wearing a swastika, and an assembly of the plants comprising the leaves of a cornstalk. All these and more piled pages on the thread as an analysis of the top 24 materialized in the front page:

The Good, The Bad, and the Fodder

So the plants and fodder for the season have been settled, and pretty soon we'll need a pick. Luckily, the producers have given us plenty to work with. Not so luckily, there's the usual crop of boring plants, douchebags, and fodder. Here's a grading of the contestants, from most VFTW-worthy to least.

Achibe Adams: A

She's an obnoxious prick, but in a VFTW way. She blames everything on TPTB, talks back to the judges, curses, and on top of all that, sings like an asthmatic bullfrog. Looks like a good pick.

Alexander Feber: A

Way too animated and wild for the judges, and he's treating the show about as seriously as a party with nobody he recognizes. Also, the seizur-rific dancing.

Henry Thorne: A-

NuFaFu? Like Feber, he's also not taking the show seriously. He can't sing, either, and is pretty funny--we'll get a good laugh or two out of him.

Paige Klockmann: B+

The ultimate tranny. He...she...we'll go with "it", is causing a media stirring just waiting to become a shitstorm. We'll tick off thousands of tards if we vote for it. On the downside, Paige actually sings well and I can't see any balktalk coming from supertranny.

Juana Wright: B+

This IBW has potential. TPTB is trying to play her as the Kyle Ensley of the season, but Hollywood proved that she's more interested in kuntry muzak. In other words, a big "Fuck you" to TPTB. She has no talent, either, so she looks chooseable.

Toya Rany: B

Probably a middle-late stage pick. His dancing is entertaining, but he can actually sort of sing, and is a plant. This could go either way: He's either the next Brooke White or Blake Lewis.

Gerald Barley: B-

Pure, untainted suck. Horrible enough to make up for his apparent lack of personality.

Charsi Croll: B-

The exact opposite of what Idol wants. I can see this one irritating Simon to no end.

Karl Naquin: C+

He's had too little camera time to be graded properly, but he gets a plus on the C because of his funny faces.

Antonio Mallon: C

Could go either way. On one hand, he looks like the real deal--a true rocker, unlike PWE or David Cook, but there's nothing interesting about him except he kind of looks like an imp.

Bettine Lee and Priscilla Schwarz: C

Giving them a C because we've seen about two seconds total for these two. No camera time, nothing to judge.

Bellatrix Heilbroner: C-

Boring, but she's emotional when judged, so she does have some VFTW blood.

Leon Whinney: D+

No apparent redeeming value, and a plant. I see a bit of potential if his backup-singer voice is crap, but we haven't seen enough of him to tell.

Pascal Brandt: D+

Greasy douche with mediocre singing. Nothing special.

Adolf Veltin: D+

Too pimped and actually sings well. Basically Melinda Doolittle, except he looks like a ghoul or something, so totally choppable.

Madison Ellner: D

IBW with average singing. We don't know much else because she isn't pimped.

Isabella Bosworth: D

Same thing. Lower on the totem pole because she looks kind of annoying.

Taki Cohen: D

Planty, prissy, and sings well. However, she might be a late-stage pick if she gets thrown under the bus as all asians on Idol do eventually.

Ernest Darwin: D-

Greasier, douchier, and doesn't like Sanjaya (check his thread for the quote). New Constantine? At least he sings poorly.

Aviva Barnes: D-

You'd think a dancer would be a VFTW victory, but this is the boring stuff. He sings okay, but is a major dick in his interview, and he mentioned his dislike for us in it. Blake Lewis redux, minus beatboxing.

Ester Sembine: F+

Overpimiped super-plant and sings very well. He's everything VFTW is against, but he scrounges up a plus due to being the opposite of Aviva in his interview.

Janet Brass: F

Super-plant that Randy must have hand-picked and an ass-kissing douchette. Also, she admitted to hating Antonella Barba in her interview and is pimped to the moon and back.

Vansina Stearns: F-

Fat, ugly fraud. Essentially everything she does is either stealing intellectual property or lying about it. See thread for solid proof. This former Carly Smithson/Blake Lewis fantard is also pimped, and we can't wait to kick her out.

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