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Chapter 3
"Omygodomygodomygod! I shouldn't have waited till the last minute!" Priscilla squealed as she flailed her hands in place.
"What you forgetting?" Vansina replied as she snacked on the last of a bag of Fritos. She sat on the bed which bent under her weight.
"Open up your heart, Open up your mind, nobody needs another stalker in your life...Ooooh I can't remember! AAAAAH!" Priscilla thrashed and stomped in a melodramatic fit.
"I'm only..."
"Here to help you learn to hold me, to love me--"
"Nay nay nay." Vansina tossed the now-empty bag over her shoulder, and it flopped around in the air. "To love me, to know me. You gotta learn your lines!" the big black woman scolded. "I ain't gonna get voted off because you don't know what you supposed to say." She pointed a finger at Priscilla.
"Ohmygod you need to cut your nails!" the tall blonde replied, pointing out some chipping with her own well-manicured fingernail.
The door to the dirty contestant room creaked open to reveal a guard. "What are you ladies still doing here!?" he asked, and then pointed over his shoulder with his thumb, a gesture to leave.
"She doesn't know her--"
"Go. Now." The guard interrupted Vansina's explanation and opened the door further, then stepped out of the way.
The two exited, at which point the guard escorted them to the makeup stations while Priscilla chatted incessantly about why her acquaintance didn't look good for the camera and what makeup she would need. Vansina continually defended herself with ad hominims and insistences that the makeup artists would fix her blemishes.
They arrived to see the various professionals operating on some of the contestants' faces, and others just standing around in the outfits selected by fashion artists. Janet leaned against a wall in a Whatevia pose, a vermilion unreflective skirt stretching down below her knees and a matching dark red half-sleeved shirt, which exposed some cleavage. Standing next to her but giving ample personal space, Taki nervously gave her lines one last run-through.
"...You're fucking doing it wrong." Janet snapped crassly and gave the suddenly-frightened Taki the evil eye. "Either memorize each consonant individually or learn some god damn Arab, you twit."
"I-I'm sorry, Janet..." Taki looked down towards her feet in shame. Her sandy-colored dress blended with her skin well, but she could still see where her high-heeled black shoes were. She wondered why the fashion artists had insisted on the combination.
"If I'm going to do Desert Rose, you've got to fucking sing right, so you won't make me look bad." Janet raised her right hand to slap Taki, but a makeup artist glared at her before she could follow through. He simultaneously combed Charsi's straight hair to undo any knots that may have formed. The thin dark woman merely sat in the chair, letting the guy do his thing, while mentally reviewing her segment of the arrangement she and her partner, Bell, had devised.
Vansina and Priscilla seemed confused as to what they should be doing, until one of those flaming guys beckoned them to the dressing rooms with a hand movement. In the other, he held Vansina's large velvet-colored dress on a hanger.
Fast forward about an hour. Simon Fuller entered the dressing room, wearing a deep blue suit and red tie--"power" colors indicating that the producer pulled the strings here. "Everyone," he boomed at the shuffling crowd of twenty-four contestants, some of which he didn't recognize, "Your performance numbers! First, Bosworth and Lee!"
"Excuse me?" Isabella pushed to the front of the crowd, her usually-hanging lock of blonde hair pulled straight like the rest of it. The rest of the contestants quieted down from their chatter, now mostly paying attention to Fuller.
"Bosworth and Lee, first!" the producer shouted. "The first song! Seacrest knows this!"
Bettine Lee did not pay attention. Being a little short, she couldn't see over Antonio's head, so she stopped trying after standing on tiptoes and just daydreamed as usual, staring off into space away from Fuller.
"Second, Whinney and Barley!" Leon and Gerald high-fived each other with glee, unaware that the first and second spots on Idol were statistically the worst performance numbers. "Third," Fuller continued as he took out an index card from his breast pocket and fixed his eyes on it, "Stearns and Schwarz!"
Priscilla pouted at this--less time to hurriedly go over her lines. "Can we go later?" she begged, drawing out the last word. Vansina facepalmed in response.
"No! Fourth..."
Adolf and Ernest? :wtf My TV will crack from all the fug.
Worsters checked the spoiler thread for the contestants to be dueting together, the performance orders, and the songs. Some commented that they were glad that duets occurred; the show would waste their time for only two days this week instead of three. After summarily scoffing at the information, many members of the forum prepared their alcohol for the big crapfest.
Within minutes, Ryan Seacrest stood at the ready at the front of the Idol stage, the top 24 arranged behind him strategically (read: obscured cannon fodder). The three judges and their new recruit Kara sat in the judes chairs, with Paula sipping her cup as the far-away cameraman counted the seconds until the show began.
Three. Two. One. The teleprompter lit up with Ryan's lines.
"Twenty-four contestants. Twelve performances. One American Idol." Seacrest spoke confidently at the camera with his best smile and clasped hands. The twenty-four behind him stood more or less in place, but the visible Ester rocked nervously. "Tonight, two heads are better than one as your semifinalists duet together. This," Cue signature pause, "is American Idol!" The camera zoomed out and cut to the computer-generated intro.
Top 24: Can we just skip to the finals?
And so it begins. American Idol assaults our TV screen for yet another season. Luckily for VFTW, we are presented with an assortment of fine trainwrecks. Quite. *sips tea*
Yet, it becomes fairly obvious who the cannon fodder is in the competition. Some of these people really fail at singing. Mostly the girls. Also, some people are getting pimped like a bad pop song under payola *coughTattoocough*. On the bright side, others show wild potential to be a VFTW pick.
---
Isabella Bosworth and Bettine Lee
"Harden My Heart"
Oh god. If I had a dollar for every time Isabella hit the correct note, I'd maybe have enough to buy a piece of lint. But at least she realizes that this is a slow song, because Bettine over there is smiling and bouncy as she sings "gonna turn and leave you here" like some moron. She's actually hitting the right notes more often than not, though, so props for that. Another thing: these two better figure out what key they're going to sing in next round, because in this round their pitches are too different from each other. It's a trainwreck on the last part, in which they stop alternating sets of lines and actually sing together.
Randy and Paula give their usual non-critiques. Randy isn't feeling it and Paula compliments their dress--incidentally, Bettine looks like a dog turd wrapped in trash. The other one whose name I've already forgotten is halfway decent looking. Anyway, Kara is actually useful and tells them what they did right (nothing) and wrong (everything). Simon metaphorically tears out their gallbladders and stuffs them down their throats, which is well-deserved here.
Performance grade: D- - Both of them: That was a catastrophic mess.
Chance of elimination: It was a disaster, and they have the death slot. 45%.
---
Leon Whinney and Gerald Barley
"Oh Sherry"
Why? WHY!? Oh Jestro, this is horrid. I don't know what these two did to the song, but their arrangement tried and failed to make it sound like boyband pop--Leon, you're a real tool. Iceburg, dead ahead! He can sing kind of okay, though, as his voice isn't too bad. I kind of like him. But he can't hit a note worth crap--that's what happens when your voice gets autotuned to oblivion in production. Now, Gerald absolutely cannot be one of the best 24 singers in America. Grating voice, seemingly a half-octave range, standing more rigid than a chestnut. He's a disaster, and ruining what could be salvaged from this giant turd. And what's with the outfit? Did he just slap something on at the last minute?
Randy is too blinded by the fact that this is a Journey song to notice that it sucked. Paula mumbles incoherently about horses or something, Kara compliments their arrangement but said that it needed work, and then raked Gerald over the coals about his singing. Simon looks like he's in a stupor, but somehow manages to ravage them, and takes a big swig of his drink afterward--he probably needed it.
Performance grade:
D - Leon: Craptacular arrangement and that vocal seizure he calls singing.
F - Gerald: See above, but factor in his Gerald-ness.
Chance of elimination: People are going to remember Gerald, not Leon, which isn't much of an improvement. They're screwed. 80%
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Priscilla Schwarz and Vansina Stearns
"The One That Got Away"
Someone rearranged the crap out of the song, but I get the feeling its the result of Vansina stealing, because it sounds eerily familiar. Ms. Fraud is singing decently, which is really, really, needed after the previous two turds. Oh, wait, now Priscilla's singing. Nope, she's decent too.
Wait.
Ha.
Ahahaha.
She's messing up her lines.
What a glorious trainwreck. Vansina is constantly looking over her shoulder with this hilarious glaring WTF expression, and Priscilla is desperately trying to recover, but it turns out she just oversings and slurs lines she doesn't remember really well. This top 24 sucks so far. I bet Ken Warwick is kicking himself right now over the dueting idea.
Paula is clearly drugged up because she dances to the music, and doesn't say anything meaningful for critique. Neither does Randy; there's too much "pitchy" and "dawg" to understand him. Kara compliments the creative and unique arrangement...yeah, totally accurate. Simon slams Priscilla about forgetting her lines and conveniently ignores everything else.
Performance grade: C - Vansina: Decent--not good. If it turns out the arrangement is stolen, I'll knock her down to an F.
F - Priscilla: Thou shalt not forget thy lines on the first day. Worst first impression ever.
Chance of elimination: I think TPTB will keep their little fraud in and punish Priscilla later. 5%.
---
Adolf Veltin and Ernest Darwin
"You Don't Mess Around With Jim"
One simple change, turning the acoustic guitar into electric, made this into a bluesy-rock song, which is good and fitting for these two. They're wearing bluejeans and checked shirts, which really completes the song. Adolf is an excellent singer; his voice blends perfectly into the music. Ernest, not so much, but he's tolerable, and his partner is taking up the slack. The lighting, outfits, and Adolf's rock-country voice are going to draw in a bunch of new fantards. This is several times better than the previous three performances combined, but story songs don't lyrically work in the 1:30 performance format.
Randy says it's blazing hot, and the usual nonsense. Paula compliments them, but it sounds like she's describing an ecstasy trip. Kara praises them for going the extra mile, but mentions that the song was really compressed. Simon calls it brilliant and strokes Adolf's ego, predicting him to be the best of the night and comparing him to the first two performances. Sidenote: I wish Ernest would wipe that smirk off his face like he's the one getting all the praise. Asshole.
Performance grade:
B - Adolf: Fuhrer is the first non-letdown of the night.
C - Ernest: Not as good as Adolf, but not terrible.
Chance of elimination: Near-zero, since Fuhrer is being touted as the new Melinda, and this came right after three subpar showings. 1%
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Juana Wright and Achibe Adams
"Hit Me With Your Best Shot"
These two clearly don't get along. Juana is going with some sort of methodical choreography, but Achibe doesn't look like she cares at all. She's just sort of singing and dancing when she feels like it, which sometimes left awkward silences. Haha, you can see Juana getting more and more stern, and by the end she's just looking at the camera stoically, probably well-peeved at Achibe. Raciss girl just wrecked the performance: She can't do country, interjected lines in the Chorus randomly, and sung at the wrong times. Juana is okay, maybe even good, but she's got an uncaring monkey on her back.
Randy actually says something intelligent and claims that it "wasn't really up to snuff"--and then Achibe starts yapping at him about how she thought she did good. Kara and Simon get dragged in somehow, and Paula just sits there like she's drunk. Pretty soon Juana is facepalming and the judges are reeling from a guilt-trip charged retort to every criticism they could throw at her. It's hilarious to watch, Achibe even repeats what they say in a high, mocking voice at one time and follows up with "YOU RACISS!?". Ryan came up to break up the "judging" after a while.
Performance grade:
C- - Juana: She got more dull as the performance continued, due to being peeved at Achibe.
A - Achibe: Epic sassiness! RACISSOWNAGE! No comment on the actual singing.
Chance of elimination: The black vote goes to Charsi; sorry. They sucked, and I doubt mouthing off would compensate for the crappy showing. 30%
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Toya Rany and Henry Thorne
"Follow Me"
Thank you! These two act out following each other, the person doing the singing always in front. They're parading around the stage in a very entertaining manner. Toya isn't amazing in singing, but he's still pretty good and, luckily for him, has an easy song. Henry has a bad case of goat vibrato that he can't seem to control, not to mention his voice is pretty bad. Basically Fuhrer and Greasy Douche all over again and in a different genre.
Randy gives the "I like you, dawg" spiel. Paula mumbles incoherently; she probably mistook the choreography for an acid trip. Kara gushes about how creative they were, then reaches up and smacks Herny with a wet noodle. Okay, not really, but he did give him a talk about controlling his voice. Simon agrees with Kara, but "expected something more". Then Henry tries to start singing again, and Ryan informs him that it's not what Simon meant by "more". Toya's face is getting red from holding in a laugh. Toya, no one's that stupid; it had to be a joke.
Performance grade:
B+ - Both of them: It was all entertaining, and Henry's vibrato didn't really subtract from the awesome.
Chance of elimination: I dunno. It seems possible as a surprise, but with two other candidates, it would be a shocker. 3.5%.
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Charsi Croll and Bellatrix Heilbroner
"In The End"
This one is actually pretty clever. Charsi does a bunch of rapping, but she's constantly moving in place like she's trying to dance with cement shoes. Bell is almost obscured from view and plinking away on a piano, barely participating in actual singing. Good thing, too--she looks scared as all hell. It's pretty funny to watch her nervousness when the camera zooms in on her. Come to think of it, both of them are just kind of bullshitting their way out of real singing and performing. But it's smart.
Randy says they're blazing molten hot, but I think he just has a hardon for the stereotype of a rapping black person. Paula loves them, strokes their ego, and tells Bell to not be so nervous. Kara wants them to do more, you know, singing. Simon says Kara and Paula covered everything, at which point there's another typical Paula-Simon ego cockfight.
Performance grade:
B for Bullshit - Bellatrix: Shaking like a baby's rattle in front of the camera is funny.
B- - Charsi: Okay, so you can rap. That's cool, but can you do something interesting?
Chance of elimination: This was the best girls' performance in the episode. They're sticking around. 1%.
---
Alexander Feber and Antonio Mallon
"Jenny (867-5309)"
It starts off okay. Antonio is ramming away on the guitar and actually playing more than a few chords, while Alexander jumps around and sings. He's got a backpack on for some reason, apparently with nothing in it. Then they interrupt each other with "I got it" repeatedly (@2:03 in video), which is awesome, and Antonio does a guitar solo. Alexander goes to the front of the stage, takes off his backpack and unzips it, then pulls out a seven white posterboards in succession, with, you guessed it, 8-6-7-5-3-0-9 on them. Holy shit, that's brilliant. Mallon can sing well, too, and Feber is alright as well.
Randy doesn't give them the credit they deserve, and says he didn't "get" Mallon. Paula basically has an epileptic seizure. Kara praises creativity again (she's becoming predictable) and loves Mallon's guitar skills. Simon said something about originality and closed off saying it was brilliant. Alexander admits that he had to do something to fill the time at the end, and then he fist-bumps Mallon.
Performance grade:
A - Alexander: Those flashcard posters easily trumps the entertainment value of at least a month of Season 7.
B - Antonio: For actually rocking out. Also, he provided backup for the posters with his guitar, which is cool.
Chance of elimination: Yeah, like anyone's going to forget them. They'll still be talking about this during the finals, and memorability translates to votes. 0.5%
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Madison Ellner and Paige Klockmann
"You Learn"
Madison oversings dramatically, and it turns out she's a screechy bore. No dancing at all. The two sing together and barely have separate parts, and Madison keeps trying to yell above Paige. So we have a screaming, screeching, oversinger on one hand and a hermaphrodite (with a girl's dress) using a disturbing singing voice. It's a car crash you can't look away from. Where did all the crap in this episode spawn from?
Randy says it was "pitchy". He can't use any other words to express himself, apparently. Paula says she got a headache. No, you little drug queen, that's from the hangover. Kara holds up an earplug and says she's contractually obligated not to use these things, but she really wanted to. KARAOWNAGE!!! But, she did compliment Paige's dress--supertranny can actually pass as a regular woman in that makeup and outfit, and not a chick with a dick. Simon agrees with Kara.
Performance grade:
D+ - Paige: I hate to give it a low grade, but Paige really tried to dumb down itself. No interlocked male/female symbol or anything? Lame. And Madison overrode its voice too much to judge the singing.
F - Madison: Screechy shitty divas are not our forte, and you're one of them. Plus, you tried to dominate supertranny, which is not cool.
Chance of elimination: The hermaphrodite is in a little trouble, since they didn't work together, but they have a buffer. 24%.
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Aviva Barnes and Pascal Brandt
"Until The Day I Die"
They got rid of the guitar riff and dumbed down the drums, basically turning this into a soft-rock Nickelback ripoff. Aviva does some sort of shitty twirling slow dance as he sings. His singing is gritty and crappy, but I guess that's what the original artist aimed for as well. Pascal Brandt tries the screaming part of the song as a grand ending, but all he succeeds in doing is blowing out speakers and making my dog howl. Screaming Douche (no, not Ernest) also did a couple of singing parts, but his gruff voice isn't suited to anything besides being the villian in a B-movie.
Randy says it was really "interesting". Paula gets sobered up by the scream and bleats that it was really "expressive". My quote button is going to die. Kara says that Aviva didn't get into the mood and should have acted like Pascal. Simon pulls them through a verbal meat grinder as he assaults Pascal's screaming ("I don't get it at ahle!") and bitchslaps Aviva about his wrong choice of choreography. Simon looks bored when he's done, and Pascal is fuming.
Performance grade:
D+ - Pascal: My ears are still ringing.
D- - Aviva: After his boring performance he eyes the camera as if he urinates coolness. Dude, you suck, accept it.
Chance of elimination: They sucked, but not nearly as much as Leon and Gerald. 15%.
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Janet Brass and Taki Cohen
"Desert Rose"
The song is compressed to get a lot of those Arab lyrics in, as well as English. Janet does all the English, and Taki does the other language in the background. Does she remember it all? I'm guessing there are a few slip-ups here and there. She's pretty good, though, for backup. Janet, however, is shrill and failtacular. The woman can't sing on key to save her live, but she keeps looking back at Taki with this bitchface as if she expects the asian to take up the slack. Eventually Taki closes her eyes, but I'm guessing Janet is burned into her retina by then.
Randy and Paula freaking worship Janet, conveniently forgetting Taki. Kara praises them both and calls them "the best of the night". I had to use Unicode to get that last quote. Kara is either delusional, totally scripted, or a tool, probably more than one of the above. Simon, who is all three, compliments the song choice and actually acknowledges Taki's existence, giving her props for her Arab singing.
Performance grade:
B - Taki: The lack of a minus is for remembering her lines and putting up with Janet's shit.
F - Janet: For being a pimped yet crappy singer. I'm angry at her. Really angry; I can feel my pulse in my toenails.
Chance of elimination: Janet's show was rough, yet Kara said she was the best of the night. Pimped to the freaking moon; no way she'll leave. 0%
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Karl Naquin and Ester Sembine
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
They editted the f-bomb out. Now the line is "What's messed up". Anyway, Ester sings very calmly and smoothly. He thinks it's a sad song and not an angsty song, apparently, but it sort of works. Karl emotes as he sings, which is pretty funny. The two are on the exact same pitch, and so this is vocally the best performance. Oh lord, I can hear the frauen from here; Ester is going to get so many fantards. Ester and Karl are both pretty snazzy-looking, and the lighting is powerful and great. Combine that with a decent song choice, and you have a high-end performance.
Randy is still in worship mode. This is sickening--Ester is getting so pimped. Paula mumbles something about them being lovely. Kara praises Ester for being "bold". Um, what? He edited out the curse word; what are you listening to? Simon calls it fantastic and an appropriate way to end the show.
Performance grade:
B - Both of them: I have to admit, the guy they're pimping sings very well. Karl, not so much, but the emotes are funny enough to bump him up to Ester's grade.
Chance of elimination: With the pimp slot? Gimme a break. 0%.
---
Finally, it's over. I feel like a lot of the performances were filler--so basically, standard Idol procedure. To end, here's a chart of elimination chances.
Boys:
80% - Leon and Gerald
15% - Aviva and Pascal
3.5% - Toya and Henry
1% - Adolf and Ernest
0.5% - Alexander and Antonio
0% - Karl and Ester
Girls:
45% - Isabella and Bettine
30% - Juana and Achibe
24% - Paige and Madison
5% - Vansina and Priscilla
1% - Charsi and Bellatrix
0% - Taki and Janet
Let's watch some fodder get blasted on the results show.
